For those who came in late, Apple was faced with a difficult situation as people started to wonder why few iPhones were being sold this quarter, while its rivals were reporting great sales.

Supreme cult leader Tim Cook decided that while it was best to come clean about the second straight decline in iPhone sales. I am predicting that the next iPhone will not do particularly well either, as it has no compelling technology under the bonnet.

Instead Cook started raving about Pokemon Go which Apple did not invent and was not making money from. He claimed that Apple was busy working on artificial intelligence and augmented reality and everything will be alright.

Now we know that Apple has been running its artificial reality shield to shut out distortions from outside Jobs’ Mob. This prevents it from realising that it is a tax-avoiding, cartel-running, low-innovation, tech company peddling over-priced snake oil to the intellectually challenged, through a cult-like marketing operation which ultimately lowers the standards of the world.

However, Cook’s AI and AR technology is unique in that it appears to only exist in his own head. Apple has mentioned the technology before, but so far there have been no products, or any rumors of products. Microsoft and Google are the AR kings at the moment.

Cook stressed that Apple is “high on augmented reality for the long-run” and investing heavily. Of course he didn’t mention any numbers, products or anything. In fact he may have been even talking about Pokemon Go being sold in the AppStore, although why this would calm investors worrying about the death of Apple’s cash cow is anyone’s guess.

Cook also highlighted Apple’s investment in artificial intelligence, which the company now uses to recommend content to users and even spot usage patterns to improve a device's battery life. The closest Apple is to AI is its SIRI technology but that is hardly new and is already outclassed by other products.

While the Tame Apple Press seriously reported this as Cook’s recipe for “slightly falling iPhone sales” analysts correctly saw this as a fantasy which Tim will have to actually prove before any of them will buy it.

This particular tech is not some that plays nice with Apples existing product lines either. It is too new for a start. Apple normally sits and waits for technology to mature, jumps on it and markets its until everyone believes it invented it. In fact after it copied Microsoft’s Surface Pro 3 which developed battery problems we fully expected it to release an update to copy Redmond’s dodgy battery.

While Microsoft, Google and Facebook double down on augmented reality, Apple has made no public display of its aptitude in the field.
Cook insists that this is all not true:

“We have been and continue to invest a lot in this. We think there’s great things for customers and a great commercial opportunity.”

Cook maintained that Apple had found a way to strike the balance between progressing in artificial intelligence and maintaining users’ privacy, detailing features in Apple’s latest operating system.

“The deployment of artificial intelligence technology is something that we will excel at because of our focus on user experience,” he said.

Ultimately, Cook argued, phenomena such as artificial intelligence and augmented reality will only reinforce the importance of the iPhone. He said the company was working to make sure its products worked well with third-party products like Pokemon Go.

“That’s why you see so many iPhones in the wild right now chasing Pokemons,” he said. So a bit like the company chasing imaginary AR then... lets hope they don’t run under a bus or off a cliff. No on the other hand lets hope they do.