Keeping the rivals in check 

Apple has been rejecting Spotify’s app updates claiming that they violate the company’s guidelines regarding online purchases.

It has no choice

Fruity cargo-cult Apple has admitted that it has “no choice” but to upgrade the charging ports on its upcoming iPhones to follow an EU directive.

No reason that global suffering and falling sales should hurt our profits 

Fruity cargo cult Apple has decided that the best way for it to make money when no one want's its overpriced trinkets is to increase the prices of its other services.

Will make Apple layouts look rubbish on Android 

Google has had enough of Apple making messages from Android users look bad on iMessenger and is giving Jobs' Mob a taste of its own medicine.

Apple's hardware design takes another beating 

Apple vice president of industrial design since 2019, Evans Hankey, has announced plans to exit the fruity cargo cult in the coming months. 

Cash cow really stuck

Apple has slowed production of its flaghip iPhone 14 Plus 'by 40 percent' just two weeks after the September launch because consumers are not touching them with a barge pole.

Bad news for Apple 

Global smartphone shipments for calendar Q3 falling to their lowest quarterly rate in eight years, which is bad news for companies who have touted expensive flagship models.

Will need to be charged seperately

In a move to show how bleeding edge it is, the fruity cargo cult is reverting back to its first generation Apple Pencil for the new 10th-generation iPad.

It really has to be bad

Things are getting worse for Apple’s much mocked iMessaging software – even Mark Zuckerberg feels safe at having a pop at it.

Will probably jack the price up to cover it

Apple's cunning plan to keep its margins high by using cheap and cheerful Chinese chips in its iPhones has been stuffed-up by the US trade war.