New Siri will take two years
Jobs’ Mob scrambles to play catch-up
The Tame Apple Press is reporting a rumour that Apple will have a new version of Siri out of the box to match the large language models that its rivals have had for ages—there is just one snag.
Apple releases urgent update for buggy software
Two zero-day holes
The fruity cargo cult, Apple has stunned its user fanbase by admitting that the software it touts as more secure than Microsoft has two zero-day security flaws.
Apple finally fixes poor Siri programming
Only taken a decade
Fruity cargo cult Apple might have finally fixed a problem with Siri which it has known about since September 17, 2014.
Apple admits that iPhone was a one-off
Nothing will be that profitable again
The fruity cargo cult Apple has warned investors that future products may never be as profitable as its iPhone business as it pushes into unproven new markets such as artificial intelligence and virtual reality headsets.
iPhone Web browser embarrasses fanboys and girls
Shows friends their browsing history
A glitch in iPhone web browsers is causing users' internet history to resurface at the most inopportune times, leaving many red-faced and anxious about using their devices in public.
Apple intelligence is delayed in Europe until Christmas
Europeans are far too intelligent to accept this
The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is starting to release products with its over-hyped “Apple Intelligence” features, but it looks like it will not be seen in Europe until the end of the year.
Nvidia surpasses Apple as world's most valuable company
Tame Apple Press in shock
The Tame Apple Press spent Friday night in the pub drowning its collective sorrows as it was announced that Nvidia has overtaken Apple as the world's most valuable company.
Tame Apple Press admits that iPhone is dull
iPhone loses its shine
After years of talking up Apple’s iPhone, the Tame Apple Press is having to admit that the iPhone 16 is a dull product which needed to be a lot better.
Apple insiders admit that it is two years behind on AI
Not so cutting edge, after all
While Tame Apple Press claims that the fruity cargo cult is at the cutting edge of AI development, its staff knows it is two years behind everyone else.
Apple’s Intelligence upgrade expected on October 28
Might even be able to count to five
The Tame Apple Press is excited about Apple's release of its AI feature on iOS 18.1, claiming that it will be a “major upgrade considering the number of front-facing changes it will bring for the iPhone.”